Monday, May 7, 2012

Grad School: Censored

That day when we met THE Peggy Ryan Williams
And the time unmentionables were flung onto the pool deck
When I mistook a jeep commercial for Jurassic Park
And randomly mentioned Tiger Woods
The night … oh wait nights … that a certain Columbus resident just couldn’t keep her shirt on
And then wore it to our only spring semester presentation
The day I wore black swooshy pants like any mature woman would do
Or the night one of us was told to ‘take control’ and another was referred to as ‘Miss Fitness’
The class in which we were told that ‘I screwed her down another five grand’
Or the other in which we were informed that our professor had a certain Penn State legend in his car
Each and every day the Hill Center door that literally hit us on the way in
The days we hunted cougars at Wegmans
And the nights when we hunted lions, cubs and kittens
That morning we figured out Voldemort really did exist
And the day we stole Big Blue
The games we hung out with the field bros
And the days we hiked the gorges

The moments when I discovered Red Cat and liquid ignorance
And when the front seat of the Buick became the front seat of the Buick
The night we ate insomnia cookies
And the realization that ‘nug’ is now part of our vocabulary
The night we booby-trapped an apartment with 20-plus notes
Or the one spent in pirate pants
The day we met Luke – the Richmond curling god

Comparable to the time you left the Canucks game with your hair braided
The night we shared our love for frosting
And Carlo Rossi became a late-night thirst-quencher
The meeting in which a certain boss tried to influence curse words to leave an innocent mouth
Or when opening the merchandise trailer became our grad school practical exam
The night ‘four more words’ became reality
The times we locked ourselves in 2nd Floor
Or saw an ape-like male on the 3rd floor
The moments when the only cure was an Athletic Department Diet Coke
And the others when we added to The Napkin or The Chart
The day I drove on the access road
And that hot afternoon we met Dubs and showed everyone what a real chain gang looks like
…Definitely looked like Dingwalls from Chicopee that day
The night the wrecking ball hit the Moonie’s dance floor
Not to be confused with the night ‘Meet me in the bathroom’ became more than just a lyric

The many times Pierre told me to ‘Exit Right’
And the search for McDonald’s ice cream that went late into the darkness
The games we danced during halftime
And took pictures of our bosses in referee uniforms
The times we helped each other off the floor
Or the nights we opened and closed Moonies
The night when Kush let the dogs out
And the times we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas the Sport Management way

The afternoon YOLO was taken to the next level via a Gronk spike
The daily swag tweets
And Trivia night gummy bears
Those nights when one of us had eyes wide like Nemo while another’s were nearly shut…
Always guaranteed greasy eyes in the morning
The weekend we went to Maine

Or the day I shot my first gun
The time the boys got ‘tied up’
And a Floridian was chapped from saying ‘shoot’ too much
When Marshawyn Lynch was referred to 20 minutes into the 2012 draft
And that other time when the Jon Jones photo was ruined
The moment wolf shirts became acceptable attire
Or when ‘hohoho’ became an acceptale response

The day we wrapped gifts that took days to open
And posed with NCAA titles
When we realized why Applefest was so fun
And Huck Finn embraced his wicker backpack
The time we floated for hours in the stakeboats
And bought hundreds of bananas for our gorilla farm

We’ve given Celine a run for her money,
And still our hearts won’t go on
The moment when the student-athlete’s hard work paid off
And when ours did, too
The year I met some of the best friends
And realized this would be one of the best years of my life
The fact that whenever any of them hear ‘Super Bass’ they’ll smile and laugh
And pull out their FedEx card to tip the DJ
Funny thing is, I’ll always wonder ‘Where is Whitney and Tyler?’

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